from bended knees

Ixcatan

2009-09-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

OMG. this song.

i got goosebumps when i actually listened to the words. and i might have cried a little bit.

seriously. it's called ixcatan by romantica.
listen to it. do it.

Ixcatan
A man was shot right through the hand
Yesterday in Ixcatan
Nobody knows why
They saw the shooter fly
Late-model Chevrolet
Through the dust of a dying day
The fear of God dripping from his hands
Like the blood that was dripping in Ixcatan

They held him up, down in Ixcatan
But the blood of a bull ain’t the blood of a man
One’s for love, the other for pain
But you can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain

Meanwhile on the mountain-side
A bull’s being killed for a Spanish bride
The men were in the river washing blood from their hands
The wedding’s gonna be in Ixcatan
The police here were looking for the crazy man
Put a bullet through a young man’s hand
They down at the river with their automatic guns
The groom was washing up in the evening sun

They held him up, down in Ixcatan
But the blood of a bull ain’t the blood of a man
One’s for love, the other for pain
But you can’t tell that from the color of the stain

They held him up, down in Ixcatan
But the blood of a bull ain’t the blood of a man
One’s for love, the other for pain
But you can’t tell that from the color of the stain
From the color of the stain
The color of the stain
No you can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain
The color of the stain
No you can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain
The color of the stain
You can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain
The color of the stain
No you can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain
The color of the stain
You can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain
The color of the stain
You can’t tell that from the color of the stain
The color of the stain

inevitable

2009-07-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I've been trying to avoid this for so long, but I can't anymore. Every now and then I will dabble in it but I just get frustrated and it's all secondary so I just leave it alone. And it's still true that it's secondary, but it affects so much of my walk with the Lord that I feel like it is important to at least try and figure out.

Of course I'm talking about the issues of predestination and freewill.

I guess that I should start by briefly telling you where I stand on each of the issues. In regards to predestination/election, I absolutely believe in it. As hard as it is to believe, you can't deny the fact that it's all over the Bible. And then in terms of freewill, thats where I would say that I'm mostly confused. I would say that the Lord is Sovereign and that there's nothing that we can do that is outside of his will, but then there could possibly be some choice within God's will.

One of the biggest struggles I have when I start really digging into this stuff is I become really fatalistic, kind of like I feel like we're all just "puppets on God's stage" or something. And if it takes me being a puppet on God's stage to spend eternity with him then I can accept that. I can accept having freewill and I can also accept not having it; that's not what I get so hung up on. It's the implications of accepting these worldviews that I don't know what to do about.

For example, prayer. If we have freewill, why do we pray? God's going to let us make the decision, people with this viewpoint would argue, so why do we even ask Him if it's up to us. And then, what if we don't have freewill (which is more where I tend to fall)? Then why do we pray? Because God's going to do what he's going to do whether we pray or not. I guess the big question here is, do our prayers really have an impact? Do they really mean anything in eternity, or they simply the chance for us to dialogue with God and to put us in our place with him? Can I really affect another person's state, whether spiritual physical emotional etc by praying for them or does praying for them simply function as a tool to make me love them more? (I hope that makes sense).

Ok, and then I was reading Romans 9 today (great stuff) but then I started doubting the way that the Lord loves us. Let me explain. Romans 9:17 says, "For the Scripture says to Pharoah: 'I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.' " Ok, so this is clearly the issue or predestination. Obviously, the Lord chose Pharoah here, not because of anything he was or had done, but simply because God knew that he could bring glory to himself through Pharoah. I love this and I think that it's so great. I think that so often we make election about ourselves and we praise God for choosing us above everyone else, acknowledging the fact that we have nothing to boast about because we were in no way chosen because of anything we had done, but it's still an issue of God chose to love some of us but not others of us solely because he needed some to love and some to show his wrath upon. But the verse above sounds like it is solely the people who God can use to best glorify himself through that are the chosen ones. I'm not opposed to this. I agree with the fact that God deserves all the glory he can get and he can choose to do that however he wishes. What does confuse me is looking at this verse this way makes it seem very impersonal and I don't see how it's love. I mean, sure we get to reap the benefits of being the elect and experiencing God's love, but God didn't choose us because he wanted to love us, he chose us because he wanted to glorify himself. So I guess I'm just confused because this view of God's love is so different from the way that I've always looked at God's love for us.

I dunno. Maybe I've completely led myself astray here. I would love other people's inputs. Surely, these are secondary issues, but the have great implications on my life so I really do want to try and make some progress in terms of figuring out where I stand on these issues. I would love to here any thoughts any of you might have. :)

i live 2 blocks from the ocean. just sayin'.

2009-06-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

so, life has been so crazy since i got to project and i haven't had time to update people, which i feel bad about. but seriously everytime i had a moment when i was going to update my blog or send out an email the internet was not working.

but here i am now.

so, i got a job as one of the two project cooks. this means that the two of us cook dinner for about 120 people 5 nights a week, soon to be about 160 people once the quarter students get here. so that's a little bit crazy. but i get to work with mark wohlever... he's great and from miami and we're pretty much besties now. :)

also, i tried out for the worship band as many of you know. that was a huge step of obedience for me (as many of you know) because i'm terrified of singing in front of people, but that's what the Lord was calling me to. and i made it, so now i'm singing once a week in front of all of project which is pretty crazy but the peace of the Lord has totally been with me and i'm actually growing to love it surprisingly.

I've been really busy. I work 40 hours a week and prolly about 40% of that time i would say is spent grocery shopping (which is super hard and wears me out like no other.) so i work 9-5 and then we usually have some type of meeting from 7-10ish. then i usually hang out with people until about midnightish when i go to bed. so the days are busy but really great.

the people here are so awesome. i love all of them. everyone's always up for anything and people are just such great servants of each other. of course there have been a few run-ins but it's just so great to see people handle conflicts in a biblical way. i just feel like this environment is such a blessing and fosters great growth in all aspects of life.

i feel like i'm learning a lot; time with the Lord has been so good. but seriously, if i wrote about everything i was learning nobody would read this post because it would be too long and intimidating in length. so i'll save all that for another day.

but yeah, i just wanted to bring everyone up to date on what's going on with me up here in the OC. and that's that.

riding in cars with boys: a reenactment of the popular film

2009-05-25T07:32:00.001-07:00

yesterday i found a spider on the chair in our living room. it was fairly big, probably about the size of a nickel. i called sarah in to look at it and she went to get Brian to kill the (and I quote) "baby tarantula". That was a great moment.

so I leave in less than 24 hours to go to Ocean City for 12 weeks.

...

...

um WHAT?!?

...

i don't even know what to say. leaving has made me realize just how much the people in my life mean to me. knowing that i'll have to go without seeing my friends and family for 3 months, it makes it really hard to leave. but i eagerly anticipate my return (sorry, i watched pride and prejudice last night and last sentence could have totally been in that movie haha.) but other than leaving everyone behind, i am completely and fully ready to "go for God" this summer. (double entendre) i'm super excited for my car ride tomorrow (which has some great potential to be completely awkward, but for some reason i think that it will be fine.) 12 hours... me and two other boys whom i don't know the slightest bit and our "lightly packed" luggage for the next 12 weeks of our lives, and my car. should be fun.

oh, my address in ocean city is:

1301 Central Ave. (yup, moving from central to central :) )
c/o Cara Geraci
Ocean City, NJ 08226

I would love, and i mean LOVE, to hear from anyone who has time. also, i'm going to try to send out some email updates every now and then... if anyone wants to be added to the list of recipients, just let me know and i would be glad to add you.
but anyways, to all the people who are a part of my life, thank you for being a part of my life. you'll never know how much your friendship and love means to me. i don't get to tell you guys that as much as i wish i did. let's be friends when i get back. :) T minus 85 days... ;)

also. kiera knightly is absolutely beautiful. i always forget that.

be ok

2009-05-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

"just give me back my pieces,
just give me back my pieces,
just give me back my pieces
and let me hold my broken parts."

i found that line in a song today. struck me with a lot of truth.

a filter.

2009-05-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

i had a

dream.

my nurse was injecting me with
heroine.

it didn't affect

me.

the other day i was thinking about

whether it's
better

to do just work reallyhardfor

a
short

amount of time

or is it better to stretch the work out over time?

i know you don't care,

i just
can't
help it.

word vomit.

i think the Lord forgot

my favorite thing that happened today
was when

that song played

and it reminded me of
the
time
we were riding in the car together.

and you said that this was one of your favorite days in a long time.

i think he forgot.

do you think it's ok to be angry?

i was thinking about it today.

(i really shouldn't be saying this)
one time i fell on a cactus when i was playing

tag

with ryan
in the kitchen
in the house our dad built.

we had teal carpets.

myconviction is to share

my life with you. since then, i tell you

all about

little things.

tiny,
little things.

this is my favorite line of this song.
especially when the beat kicks in right here,

emph-a-sizing

that word like that.

i'm pretty sure he forgot to give me one.

True Life: I Live at Central Perk

2009-05-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

so Katie called me this morning to inform me that our basement at the Perk was flooded. so i drove up to ox and we cleaned out what we could from the basement. and then we went and got some jimmy johns for lunch. (it was the best jimmy johns slim 4 i've ever had i might add). and then we came back to the house and jenny and brittany and their parents came and help get their stuff out of the basement. I did like 3 loads of laundry because all of the clothes that i am taking with me on project i had laid out on the floor, so i had to wash all of those. but it was actually a surprisingly funny (in a way) day. here are some of my favorite moments:

"katie are you drinking that mike's hard lemonade?"
"Yeah."
"It's like noon!"
"Cara, I know. I was like, the house is flooding, I'm here alone, I can't get ahold of the landlord... I've got to start drinking."

upon seeing the giant dirt pile in front of the groundhog hold... katie: "cara, do you think the groundhog's renovating".. which then turned into a conversation about how the groundhog really just wanted to install a jacuzzi in his hole and how he tapped into our water line to start in and that was the whole cause of our basement flood.

leaving Dan (our landlord) a message: "MURRRRRRRR!"

leaving Dan another message: "MURRR Dan! Why?!?!?!?!!"

jenny: "My grandpa's dead and my shits floating around everywhere!"

also, got a call from my dad. apparently there was a big deal with the gas at his pizza store in beavercreek and they had to call the fire department and shut down the store for a couple days.

crazy stuff going down.

but anyways, so now I'm off tonight! and I'm excited because now I can go to Apex, which I wasn't going to be able to go earlier. But I can now thanks to random emergencies! :)

so that's just one day in the life of a central perkian.

i had a moment with this song.

2009-05-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

OK. so i was driving through trenton the other day and I was listening to the Ryan Adams song "Come Pick Me Up" and for some reason the words just struck me like they hadn't ever before; particularly the chorus...

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater

With an old love letter
I wish you would

I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
Theyre all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

I wish you would
When youre walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes

Do they all look like mine
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

I wish you would
I wish youd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe youll rest sometime
I wish I could

And i was thinking about how many times i see situations like this is my own life and in the people around me's lives. how we live for the drama, how we'll sell ourselves out for things that are just going to screw us over and tear us to shreds, and then we'll sit there and wait for it to happen again. i really felt the truth and the weight of these words.

but thank the Lord that he is faithful, that he is the one thing that we can worship and completely sell ourselves to that will always be looking out for our best interests. he really is the only place for our hope.

18 days.

2009-05-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

so i am wondering. is there such a thing as an 18 day sabbath?
because i think that's what i'm about to have.

i've got 18 days until i leave for project.
18 days, no school, no job.

what the heck?!

i'm excited for these two weeks. i feel like it is a great opportunity to just hang out with my friends and enjoy people's company.

the closer i get to leaving, the more i don't want to go. don't get me wrong. i absolutely want to go. i just feel like i'm leaving so much behind. i'm afraid things with my friends won't be the same, that we will have all grown apart. of course, i know that these are all just lies that i'm believing, but it still makes me nervous, and the closer i get to leaving the more i realize how much i'm going to miss everyone. :(

it's gonna be a great time and i'm super stoked for it.

i guess the Lord is just showing me how dangerously close my friends are to being an idol in my life.
thank the Lord that he gives us eyes to see.

what's in a song?

2009-05-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

the other day on the way to church, i was riding in lindsey's car and we were listening to some music. i started thinking about the song and what it means to me. i thought of all the memories it brings up and the emotions it inspires. and then i started thinking about what that song might mean to lindsey. and i thought that it probably meant something completely differentto her than it did it me.

and i think that's so cool. it's probably one of my favorite parts of music...
that two people can both take great pleasure in a song, in the words or the melody, and yet the song is doing completely different things inside of each person.

avery song has a completely original meaning in every individual person.

blows my mind.

satchels full of wine

2009-05-03T17:26:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was my Sabbath. and it was awesome.

i spent the whole morning just reading and playing guitar in the front yard.
and loved it.

and then lindsey and i decided to go for a bike ride up to kofenya.
so we did.
and then we walked to follett's and then back to kofenya.

i had a dance off with a high school girl on high street.

then me and lindsey decided to ride our bikes to kroger to get a movie and some wine.

and then we both realized how great that moment was.
and i said, "OMG! I'm gonna write a blog post about this day... because I've been looking for something to write about.
and this day is perfect for my next blog post."

and lindsey laughed and said ok.

and we rode to kroger on our bike and got some wine.
my favorite part of the day was when lindsey put the wine in her satchel and we rode our bikes home.

then we ended up going to the guys house for a bonfire instead of consuming our alcoholic beverages with our movie.
but that was completely fine because i'd choose hanging out with people over a movie any day.

i don't know how many people i've told about the wine in the satchel part.
it's a pretty big number though.
lindsey kind asorta made fun of me because i told so many people about it.
but hey, it was a great moment, of course i'm going to share it with people.

and now i'm sharing it with you.

also, i'm going to share with you this video...
i decided to try my hand at writing a song again.
i usually fail miserably,
but i thought hey what the heck, let's give it another go!

let me know what you think.

blogging

2009-04-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

so i've been working on this final project for my csa class and part of it requires me to go back through all of my old blog posts.

that has been quite an enjoyable experience.

i love seeing what i've been through and what i was thinking at the time.
we forget so many of the details in our memories.
i'm so glad that i blogged as much as i did over the past 2 years.

i've been slacking lately, but i'm going to try to pick it up a little. i really enjoy making blog posts, the trick is just finding the time. but i feel revived in terms of my blogging after reading all of those old posts, so i'm gonna back strong come back.

that's all for now.

on dasher, on dancer.

2009-04-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

so its been a while.
and i've been doing a lot of thinking (in general).
and if i was going to update you on everything that is going on in my head, that would take far too long.
thus, instead, i have decided to give you a bulleted list of a few conclusions i've drawn from my thoughts.
that should be much less painful for you readers.

(ok i just realized that i don't know how to do bullets on this site. haha... so it's prolly gonna be dashes or something of that sort.)

- i am coldhearted. seriously. i don't feel things that i should. and i feel like a jerk.
- i am ridiculously self-absorbed and narcissistic.
- the Lord continues to show me that the areas that i feel are my strong points are in fact my weak points because i don't go through them with the Lord as my guide.
- the Lord is endlessly more faithful to us than we could ever be to him or each other.
- i'm obsessed with thinking about the way i think... metacognition; gotta love it.
- the Lord is the only one who will always be there, regardless of my behavior towards him and others.
- i don't know how to rest in the Lord. i can't stop what i'm doing and thinking to just be in his presence.
- i have a lot of flaws (and I dwell in them too much) but the Lord loves me regardless. (Life verse 2 Cor. 12:9-10)
- i never realized how passionately anti-tradition i am until i joined aphio. not that i'm completely against tradition; i think it's great when you know the meaning and significance behind it. but when you are doing things just because it's what you've always done and no one really knows or understands why you do what you do, that's ridiculous and unnecessary.
- the one thing that is constant is the love of the Lord and his guiding hand.

alright. ready, BREAK!!

one of my top 3 days in college

2009-04-07T13:07:00.001-07:00

so this saturday was awesome.

it was my sabbath.
so i woke up and read for a little bit
then i went out on the front porch and played guitar/sang for a while.
then sarah came out and read next to me while i played.
then my friend brent was passing by and told us about the miami tribe playing uptown at 1.
so sarah and i rode our bikes up there and then instead of staying to watch we decided to ride our bikes around campus.
and that was great and we went to kidsfest on slant walk and to the formal gardens and to kofenya.
and then when we got home, the rest of our house minus kristin were in the front yard hanging out on some blankets.
so we all sat around outside all day and enjoyed each other's company.
and then around 530 we all plus derailed and cj went to chipotle in colerain which was a blast.
then we came home and went to houston woods.
and there we played red rover with 8 people and it was so fun.
and nick slipped and fell. :)
and then we went back to derailed and played taboo.
and then i got to bed by 1030pm.
it was fabulous.

if only every saturday could be like that.
but then again, i suppose if every saturday were like that then it wouldn't be so superb.

amie (cover)

2009-04-02T17:43:00.001-07:00

sabbath

2009-03-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

keeping the Sabbath is so freaking hard.
lol.

i kept trying to wake up before my alarm this morning (1030) and then i would be like nope it's your sabbath.
so my alarm goes off and i basically like jump out of bed.. haha...
and then i got to my desk check my email and facebook like i do every morning..
and then i go to get my planner to see what i need to do for the week and then i realize that i shouldn't be doing that on the Sabbath.
and so i literally sat in my chair at my desk for 20 minutes thinking about what I was going to do with my whole day of nothing.
and i was getting nervous that i wouldn't have time to do all of my homework tomorrow...
but then i was like stop rationalizing cara!
ok. so im sittting here for like 20 minutes and i'm like... how do you fill a whole day with nothing?
because usually when I'm relaxing I'm doing homework with friends at kofenya or in the living room.
and a. none of my friends are around to do that with right now
and b. doing homework should not be my definition of relaxing.
but really... that's what i WANT to do right now.
but i know that i shouldn't so i'm trying really hard to restrain myself but it's really tempting to give in.
so i called laura to see if she wanted to go to the rec... and she said she was doing homework instead.
lol go figure.
so i know that i'll play guitar for some number of hours today,
but other than that and spending some time with the Lord,
what the heck am I supposed to do with my day?

rickrolling

2009-03-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

rickrolling : an internet meme typically involving the music video for the 1987 Rick Astley song "Never Gonna Give You Up."
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI )

Basically someone posts a link that you think takes you to something, when in reality it just takes you to the music video "Never Gonna Give You Up."

This is (quite surprisingly) becoming an internet phenomenon sweeping the globe.

WHY?!?

lol. i just don't understand.

and it's even gotten broader... there are videos on youtube of people rickrolling telemarketers by playing the song to them on the phone, etc. One person even posted a video of him walking through some department store and then that song came on the speakers in the store (just like on the normal radio) and he deemed it necessary to videotape the speakers to show everyone that he was being "rickrolled".

SERIOUSLY?

this warrents a "dubbya tee eff!?"

foolishness to the wise

2009-03-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

i had a really disturbing phone conversation with my uncle today.

and it really just reminded me how much the Lord has to call us home.
and how there really is nothing that we can do or say.

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
-1 Corinthians 1:18

we can talk all we want about all the amazing experiences the Lord has brought us through,
and we can give all the supporting evidence we want,
and we can present the gospel in a perfectly clear way,
but if the Lord hasn't opened their eyes and softened their hearts...
nothing is going to change.

and that hurts a lot. and is frustrating. to know that there is absolutely nothing we can do to help our fellow man,
because the only time that our work produces any fruit,
is if the Lord was there to bless it.
So in fact, it is all the Lord, and none of us.

and even though that hurts, it also makes us so so grateful that the Lord chose to open our eyes.
Because there would never have been anyone who came along
who could have laid out the gospel clear enough for us
or moved us emotionally enough
or proved the existence of God to us
on their own. without the Lord going before them doing all of the work.

and at the same time, it is encouraging.
it doesn't depend on us in the least.
God could use the rocks if he wanted.
and that would be awesome and he would receive no less glory from that.
and sometimes he chooses to use us.
and that's a pretty incredible thing to think about.

"For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe."
-1 Corinthians 1:21

i suppose it was a good reminder also of just how crazy Jesus is. sometimes I forget just how much the Lord had to change my heart to bring me here. and that's also a pretty incredible thing to think about.

On the Radio

2009-02-28T12:50:00.001-08:00

please excuse the random improv at the end... i wasn't ready for the song to end yet... so i just kpt going. haha.

second life

2009-02-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

today in csa 151 we watched this video documentary about two different people who were addicted to second life. it was really really strange and really really sad. This woman was married to this really awesome guy who did a great job of loving and serving her and they had 4 children together. and this woman got addicted to second life where she met this other guy/avatar and then she ended up (well at least her avatar) having sex with this other guy('s avatar) on second life. and she would say things like she loved him and that he made her feel ways that she couldn't feel in the real world. and when asked if she thought it was cheating on her husband she would say absolutely not because there was no physical cheating, it was online online. and in a similar situation this man got addicted to second life and met this single woman and they ended up getting married on second life. and his real life wife found out about the fake marriage and didn't approve of it at all.. and this guy's addiction ended up forcing his real life wife to leave him... because second life juts becomes like this alternate reality to these people.... like this "second life"... and so once his wife left him he went and married this lady he met on second life. the first lady ended up taking a vacation to london to visit this guy that she met, but it didnt work out so she's still with her family as far as i know.
It's just something that i can't get out of my head. it's really sad. i would recommend watching it if you have a spare hour. if you want i can get the link for you... just if you're interested, let me know.

mystery

2009-02-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

the Lord moves in mysterious ways;
too high and complex to fathom.
I think I'm gonna join a service frat.

balance

2009-02-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like everything I learn in my Walk is a balancing act. No matter what it is, it always comes down to balancing two extremes.

Grace and truth.
Confidence and pride.
Intentionality and relaxing.
Being aware of how others view you and caring too much about how others view you.
Wanting to know truth and simply trusting the Lord.

It's all about finding the right balance of the right things in the right situations.

I suppose that being spiritually mature just means you walk a mean tightrope.

life span

2009-01-22T08:06:00.000-08:00

So recently I was talking to Maggie over a little afternoon snack and we were dicussing the life span of butterflies. Did you know that the average lifespan of a butterfly is about 2 weeks?! Could you imagine trying to fit your whole life into two weeks? Also, the average lifespan of a normal housefly is 15-30 days.

I did some more research on this because it just blows my mind that an organism can mature that fast:
-After an egg is laid, larvae come out within 8 to 20 hours.
-Days 4-10 are the pupa life stage and this is when the final developments are completed.
-And the the flies die within 2 more weeks of life.
-Female houseflies can lay eggs as soon as 2 days after coming out of the egg!!!

I can't imagine squeezing a whole life into that short of a time span. Of course, people dies early and some people's lives are longer than others, but for a whole organism to be entirely done developing within 10 days is crazy.

Imagine trying to fill the Great Commission in 10 days. Haha. But maybe that's how we should be taking it. One day at a time, like today is the last.

I dunno. It just blew my mind is all and I thought I'd share the wealth.

Dr. Horrible

2009-01-06T09:42:00.001-08:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

if you've got a free hour... this is somewhat entertaining. it's alittle slow at the beginning, but give it a few minutes to get going and i think you'll prolly enjoy it.

word vomit

2008-12-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

bleh. i have way too much to think about right now. why are breaks always so much harder than being at school?

anyways, as of now I'm in Miami Florida, enjoying the nice, warm sunshine. Mom and Keith and I left on Christmas night and we drove down to Key West and stayed for a night, but then we moved camp up to Miami... (it suited us a little bit better). So now we're just hanging out. We're gonna leave Wednesday and start driving and stop somewhere around Nashville to celebrate the New Year.

I'm having fun here, but I sure am anxious to get back home. I feel like I have so much stuff to do and think about and I just don't feel like I can do it while I'm on vacation... I'm too distracted. lol. it's weird how that works out.

so yeah, i hadn't updated in a while so i thought i'd throw a couple of words on the page for the few of you who actually read this. :)

sorry that it's not more interesting.

here's something that I've been thinking about a lot... and I've already written about it once or twice... but it's just that good:

His ability to lead you is far greater than your ability to follow.

kofenya

2008-12-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

today i was entranced by the brotherhood of two Talawanda High School Boys.
They sat at a table across the room and they played games together on an iTouch.
One of them wore a letterman's jacket and he was a football player, and a swimmer, and he was in the marching band.
And the other one was pretty puny and wore a beret-looking hat and seemed quite quirky, especially when he walked.
They were a rather odd couple of boys to see together.
But they loved each other.
And as I read my book, I kept finding my eyes being torn from the pages to watch their friendship.
I loved the way I felt when I watched the way they loved each other.
And I thought, I don't know if those boys are Christians, but I sure hope that we Christians look like that when we're hanging out.

The Lesser Man

2008-12-11T17:11:00.001-08:00

A man who knows
A love that grows
Over time
Overflows

Is better than
The lesser man
Who lets this love
Escape from his hands

So I'll carry my cross
Through the flame and the frost
I'll do it all for the love that I've lost
The love that I've lost
Today

So soldier on
Go find the one
Who makes you laugh
And keeps you warm

And lets you in
To his darkest sins
But proves himself
And your will to forgive

But I buried your trust
Turned your blood into rust
But through it all, I'll never leave us
I'll never leave us
Again

So here we lay
No words to say
They're spoken now
In other ways

But love remains
The thing unchanged
The sacrifice
Of pleasure for pain

So I'll lay me down
Throw my shield to the ground
I pray the love I lost will be found
I lost will be found
Someday

too much grace?

2008-12-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

Is there such a thing as too much grace?
This is something that I've been thinking a lot about lately.
Is it possible to show someone too much grace?

My gut reaction is no. Because the Lord has shown us limitless grace.

But then again, the Lord's grace also follows truth.

If we take truth out of the picture, is there a point where you are showing others too much grace? Is there a point at which by showing others grace that you are actually doing them an injustice?

I think so. I think that grace has to be done out of love. Not the kind of love that this world is familiar with, but Love. And I think love cares enough to bring truth before it brings grace. That's how Jesus was.

And that's something I struggle with so so much. I always just want to skip the part where we bring the truth and just show love and just mend things and make the situation better. But when we don't bring truth, we're actually just sweeping things under the rug; nothing is going to get solved by sweeping things under the rug. And that is doing others more of an injustice than showing them Love; that's withholding the Gospel from them.

Praise the Lord that he loves us enough to bring us truth before his grace, that we might experience his grace all the more.

thanksgiving

2008-12-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Praise the Lord that his ability to lead us is greater than our ability to follow.

every girl's kryptonite

2008-12-06T20:36:00.001-08:00

snow day

2008-12-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

today is a hard day;
they come every now and again.
the snow is falling
bringing memories of you
and the nostalgia is bittersweet
and i shouldn't let my emotions get ahold of me like this.
but today is just a hard day;
they come now and again.

a favorite

2008-12-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite things is this:

riding in the car with Shannon Akers and listening to songs on repeat.
especially songs like "Fire" by Augustana.
and "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap.
because we both can yell really loud.
and sometimes we try to see how long we can hold out notes.
and if you can't make it,
then sometimes you just need to take a deeper breath.
but it never gets old,
and sometimes I'm tempted to take the long way home
just so we can have more car time together.

our need for justice

2008-12-01T08:12:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've been seeing so much in the situations I've been around our need for justice. How whenever something happens or goes wrong, we feel the need to blame someone or something, and we want someone or something to pay a price for what happened. I saw this in a couple of movies that I watched this weekend.
Saw 3 is mostly about this guy who cannot forgive the people who hurt him and trying to teach him how to forgive. But he can't because he has this unquenchable desire which he thinks will only be fulfilled when he's exacted revenge upon these people who have hurt him, when he has finally delivered justice to them.
Man on Fire. The same idea. This girl has been hurt and this man spends the whole movie going around killing everyone who was involved because he feels like they deserve to suffer for what they've done. But this whole idea of revenge and justice and making things right prevails throughout the whole movie.
But it's not just in the movies that I've been seeing this. Today at work I had another encounter with it. Some girl cut some people in line when signing up for shifts and a third party got involved and tried to make things better; he cut her and then invited the people she had cut to cut him. I know that this is small, but this is exactly what is happening everywhere.

And then you think about how God is just.
and how we have hurt him, how we have turned our backs on him. we have betrayed him and tried to do things on our own.
and he hurts because of it.
and in His justice, he has every right to condemn us to hell, to bring the justice upon us that we surely deserve.
But instead, he becomes our Justifier.
He sees the need for justice to be brought down on us, and he makes things right, he pays the penalty, he suffers the punishment.

And that makes him our Just Justifier.
and that is an amazing thing.

Saw

2008-11-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

so i'm awful at actually keeping up with current movies.
so i have to admit that i've never seen any of the saw movies...
that is... at least i hadn't until tonight.

Tonight I watched Saw 1 with my two younger brothers.
It was a rather odd experience, because i Found myself loving the twists and turns and the whole "puzzle" aspect of it...
but at the same time I was completely disgusted at the whole thing.
and the whole time all i could think about was that this is the stuff we are watching these days.
and that's just an awful thought.
really?
we couldn't think of any other way to incorporate the whole "puzzle aspect" (if that's what we're going for) without using gore and violence in such extreme ways? all of that was entirely neccessary? we really take pleasure (find it to be an enjoyable experience to go to a movie like that for mere pleasure during our free time) in things like that?

ugh.

it's odd to me. just plain odd.

john wayne gacy jr.

2008-11-26T11:32:00.000-08:00

so life lately has been so crazy.
like ridiculous crazy.
but really something that i just keep coming back to is this line in the song John Wayne Gacy Jr. by Sufjan Stevens...

"and in my best behavior, I am really just like him"

if you haven't heard the song, it is awesome. you should check it out. but basically it's about this serial killer john wayne gacy jr who killed a bunch of boys and hid their bodies under his house. and it just talks about this man who was just awful and did all of these disgusting things. and at the end sufjan says that he is just like john.

i'm seeing that everywhere lately. The sins that i'm seeing everywhere in the world, and in the people around me, i see them all in myself.

and i see them in everyone. it looks different in different people, but it's there.

romans 3:23... that's been a reoccurring theme along with this lyric.

not that this information is really new or anything. it's just what my eyes have been seeing lately.

honesty

2008-11-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

To my anonymous comment poster:

I am truly sorry. Life has been absolutely crazy lately. Blogging has been low on my priority list. So I'm sorry for the lack of frequency and the lack of words. I will try to get back on top of things. I think that tomorrow will be a good day to start. I've got some down time. So look forward to that.

But hey, I just wanted to say, thanks for your honesty. It's so hard to come by these days, you know? I appreciate it.

That's why this post is dedicated to you. :)

9 Crimes

2008-11-16T17:21:00.001-08:00

i played around with this song a little and this is what i got. comments are much appreciated.

also, i'm a bit giggly, this its a little rough... so sorry.

Amanda Jenssen - Hallelujah

2008-11-07T08:22:00.001-08:00

trust

2008-10-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

i trust in the Lord to provide.
i trust in the Lord to sustain.
i trust that his will is good, pleasing, and perfect.
i trust that his love is sufficient.
i trust that he has the power to protect us from attacks of the devil.
i trust that he has already taken victory in every situation.

angel

2008-10-29T20:09:00.001-07:00

i felt like you today
because i had two coins in my pocket;
except it was driving me crazy
because one was a quarter
and the other was a penny.
it didn't bother me much that they were different colors,
because i couldn't really tell since they were in my pocket.
but as i rolled them around in my palm,
the size difference was awful.
and now i know part of what it would be like to be you
if i had switched out one of your purple picks
for another pick of a different thickness.

vessel

2008-10-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

bones.
these clanking bones.
like a puppet on a string.

a shell am i,
a walking shell,
a mere skeleton.

i don't feel like myself at all.
i'm just the vessel,
i am a poor, broken clay pot.

but there is treasure inside.

these hands are not my own.
these lips are not my own.
i am numb to myself.

i am a walking daze,
as day collides with day.
taking hit after hit.

but nothing seems to faze me.

the good is good,
the bad is good.
because He is good.

and i am just the shell,
the skeleton,
the vessel.

i am a poor, broken clay pot.

but He stores his treasure
in jars of clay.
For the first time, I feel that truth.

romans 1:12

2008-10-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether I got placed in her life,
or if she got placed in mine.
Probably a bit of both;
because she encourages the hell out of me
and my heart races when I get to see her.
But I know that she's here
for the truth inside of me.
She asks for it shamelessly.
And I know that this is what
mutually encouraging
looks like.

let go of your heart, your head. feel it now.

2008-10-09T13:02:00.001-07:00

lately i think i've been noticing how different my opinions of myself are compared to others. i feel like i tend to have a really critical view of myself. i always see the things that i'm doing wrong and i'm always striving for the best i can do, but obviously (because we all do) i fall short constantly. and i'm never satisfied enough in my efforts. i'm just always seeing how i fall short. and i think that this is a good thing, when taken in healthy dosages. but i think that i tend to focus on it too much. i'm self-conscious in a lot of aspects of my life because i see my flaw and i'm afraid that that is all that other people will see.

and i feel like i'm like this a lot in my walk as well. i see my sin, that's all i ever see. and it's a constant battle to be continually reminding myself that the Lord has overcome Sin and that he sees me in a different light now. He no longer sees me as a sinner but rather as a beloved daughter.

and i don't think i remember that enough.

that's just something i've been noticing a lot lately.

on an entirely different note,
oh man do i feel the presence of the Lord with me this week.
i feel like there is so much going on, especially in ministry in Edgewood, and i feel like i'm right there in the middle of it which is so cool. i've just been very aware of how the Lord is with me and i feel like he's using me a lot right now in Edgewood.
but maybe that is a blog post that is soon to come.

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

2008-10-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

i think that this applies a lot in terms of the world,
but not really in terms of our Savior.
because we definitely don't deserve that kind of love,
but that doesn't mean that we don't accept it.

i dunno. that was just a random quote that keeps popping into my head.

also, i had a dream 2 nights ago.
in it we were having club and we felt so overwhelmed
because there were 4 of us leaders and like a million kids,
but that was a great problem to have.
except all of the kids were just talking amongst themselves
and no matter what we did
or how funny we tried to be
they just kept talking
and weren't paying any attention to us.
and we were trying to yell over them to get their attention
but it didn't work.
and then we got a new guy leader.
but that didn't solve our problems.

"Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
1 Peter 2:2-3

A Whole New World

2008-10-02T19:43:00.001-07:00

OH MY! Make sure you keep watching... at least until verse 2. This guy is crazy

Lovestoned

2008-10-01T09:15:00.001-07:00

club

2008-09-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

We had our first club at Edgewood in a full year.

It went so so well for a first club.
28 kids came; and the great thing is about half of them were kids we'd never even seen before.
Which means that kids are bringing their friends.
And some of the people we know couldn't even make it and there was 28 people there!

And are transitions were awful, but no one cared.
Because the Holy Spirit was there and everyone loved it.

And Pam, the owner of Now or Latte, said things like "That was inspiring." and "I love having you guys here."
And said that we could have club there every week.

And the Lord is so good.
And he would have still been good if no kids had shown up.
But it was in His will to bring so many new kids around.
And it was just insane.

Oh freakin Man!

i really like chocolate.

2008-09-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

and i have a bunch of random things, so this shall be rather eclectic today.

first, a poem i wrote last week:

apathy is not easy;
-not to achieve
-nor in which to reside.
For on the one hand,
-your very desire for apathy itself
-is proof enough that it is nowhere to be found:
-"I'm trying really hard to be over it."
And on the other, indifference to the things
-of which those around you passion...
- - -you come off as an ignorant snob.
- But maybe I just feel helpless is all.
Either way, apathy is not easy.

i don't quite think that i like it.
but it ennunciates what i was thinking.
therefore, i'll accept it.
because getting any words down on a page about how i'm feeling,
that's a pretty big task.

also, letting go sucks.

also, i'm getting a $25 gift card to itunes in the mail this week!
my list is way longer than i have credit for,
but i am very excited.

and i got into speech comm which is literally a work of the Lord.
because no matter how many times i added up the numbers there was no way i was supposed to get in.

i read this yesterday.
it's pretty alright.
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."

portion is such a great word.

Amos Lee - Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight cover

2008-09-27T16:02:00.001-07:00

awesome!

Samson

2008-09-23T08:27:00.001-07:00

how great is our God?

2008-09-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

let me tell you.

we get to have club at Now or Latte! freaking Now or Latte!!!

oh Jesus, why are you so good to us?

and p.s. we're starting pretty abruptly... aka monday... so anyone who wants to pray for that is more than welcome!!!

:)

an all-time fav

2008-09-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

if you want it
come and get it
crying out loud

the love that i was
giving you was
never in doubt

let go of your heart
let go of your head
and feel it now

sometimes it's all you need

2008-09-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

i don't want to talk about it
i just want to sit and stare at you
and i don't want a conversation
i just want to cry in front of you

something unusual, something strange comes from nothing at all

2008-09-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

you'll know when you've found it
there's something i've learned
cause you feel it when they take it away.

Deut. 4:27-31

2008-09-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

"The Lord will scatter you among the peoples, and only a few of you will survive among the nations to which the Lord will drive you. There you will worship man-made gods of wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or eat or smell. But if from there you seekthe Lord your God, you will find him if you look with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in the later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon nor destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath."

the "already, not yet" principle annoys the hell out of me

2008-09-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living
God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house
of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon- from Mount
Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me-
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42
... the exact words I could not find inside of myself.

Arms

2008-09-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

i cried myself to sleep last night
because i don't know why i'm upset
and i know all the right answers
but my feelings aren't changing
and i'm worried about you
and i'm worried about me too.
right now, all i know is
your arms feel so good
when you hold me tight like you do.
please don't ever let go.

Pac-Man: The Movie

2008-09-09T18:56:00.001-07:00

captivated by you

2008-09-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart. God's version on flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion.

...

God delights in revealing himself to those who will seek him with all their hearts. He is an extravagent, abundant Lover, and he loves to reveal his heart to us again and again.

yahweh

2008-09-07T22:30:00.000-07:00

you alone are worthy.
you alone are worthy of all that i am,
of all that i am.

beautiful is your name.
beautiful is your name, Yahweh.

Jeremiah 17:9

2008-09-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

what do you
do
when you
want
what you know
you don't
want and
what you
yearn for
you can't find because
you're too busy
wanting the things that
you don't really
want?

Lake Champion By Moonlight

2008-09-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

large cold rock.
solid supporter in my isolation.
look at this place.
this could be all there is.
there is nowhere else in the world but here with you.

prayer? poem? prayer poem?

2008-09-02T08:05:00.001-07:00

how great is your love for me?
i cannot even fathom.
you were there when i was so young; a youth with so many questions.
And though my mother didn't know all of the answers,
you surely did.
You clung to them tightly, in the palm of your hand,
cherishing every ounce of them.
You took joy in my naivety
and chuckled as i, an eight-year-old, asked my father what the meaning of life is.
i see now
how you were
working there.
You are working still, though it can be hard to see at times.
It's always harder to see in the moment.
i think that's why i like to reflect so much;
it's such a beautiful thing to be able to look back on the path you've just walked
and see how far you've come.
And to know that you've been leading the way;
i see you slowly laying those answers in front of my eyes,
delighting in my newfound hope.
Even when I was younger, eating burgers for breakfast
with my favorite grandfather
at Wendy's,
you hand was there; churning slowly,
stirring up my thoughts.
Redirecting me to you.
O, how much love you must have for me!
For while you were busy working all these things in me,
I was too busy playing in the sandbox
and coloring inside all of the lines
to even notice.
But merciful Lord,
you know my heart, and
you knew
that it belonged to you.
Father, you rescued me from the depths of myself,
especially in those long, angry years after my parents call it
quits.
O Lord, you know me better than i, which is hard to comprehend.
But i'm glad that at least someone knows who i really am,
because i certainly do not.
So Father, now, in my moments
of isolation and desperation,
i take hope in this story. My story.
Your Story.
Because it's sometimes hard to see you in the moment.
But i know who you are, and i trust that you don't change.
You are Good, Father.
O so Good.

Elephant Fail

2008-08-31T20:28:00.001-07:00

omg!

Cop Fail

2008-08-31T17:29:00.001-07:00

funny.

Robot High School

2008-08-28T19:45:00.001-07:00

interesting

Kenyans are hott!

2008-08-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Today in my Jazz class we were talking about African music and how it influenced modern-day jazz. But we started out just talking about the characteristics of it in general; and our teacher mentioned how they didn't believe in making you choose between different belief systems or anything. They believed in adapting and all working together or something... but the part that struck me was the part when she was like... "Because they mesh all these ideas together... their songs weren't structured in the way European songs were/are. Because they didn't believe in "trying to become holy" or bettering themselves... rather they believed in just meshing everything together (kind of like buffet style religion... but with everything) so they could be singing about how much they hate their wife in one verse and how they want to kill her or something and in the very next verse they could be singing praises to the Lord and that was ok and that wasn't uncommon. But when she said that something inside of me understood that. Not the whole meshing of everything, but the part where we're singing praises to the Lord one second and in the very next we're off "singing" about something else. I find myself doing this everyday. The Lord puts something on my heart and in the same hour I could be acting out against those very convictions. I don't know if any of this is really making any sense to you, but it just hit me the second she said it and i knew it was true of my own heart. and that bothers me. and that's pretty much what i've been praying for this summer... i guess you could say that it just put my most recent convictions into new words that grabbed my heart. not really a new idea, just a new way of putting it.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." ... Psalm 51: 11-12

Boy at heart

2008-08-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

I took a quiz on myspace today. (i know. i was bored).
There were two sets of questions about your "boy side" and your "girl side".
like if you like this color or this sport give yourself one point.
then you see how much "boy" and "girl" is in you.

I got a 14 on the boy side and an 8 on the girl side.

i'm not really sure what that means. but it probably has some sort of significance somewhere.

Central Perk Brings You It's First Post

2008-08-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

all moved in. feeling good. coupla things to say:

1. living in the basement by yourself for five days sucks. brittany and jenny will be here soon though.

2. after some discussion with katie larry and a few others, i have decided to start another blog with my initial thoughts waking up each morning because they are pretty ridiculous sometimes.

3. if you know me at all, you know that i have lots of dreams. and i would say that about 30% of my dreams are about pregnancy/babies. it's been like that for about a year now. but all the sudden, over the past month i would say, i've had another common theme running through some of my dreams... crying. and not just normal crying... like bawling your eyes out crying. so i looked up crying in this online dream dictionary and this is what i got:

Cry

To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.

To see someone else crying in your dream, may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry.

To wake up crying, represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness and difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Apparently I have suppressed negative feelings about something. That scares me a little bit because I have no idea where they are coming from. Most of the time when I'm crying in my dreams it's because of my family, specifically my dad a lot of the time. That makes sense with what the dream dictionary said to me. But I don't feel mad at my dad. I don't understand how your body can hold onto emotions after your mind has let go of them. I dunno.... i don't even know if I believe in "dream dictionaries"... but I definitely think that the Lord uses dreams to speak to people. I dunno. I guess I just don't know what to think.

Other than that, Central Perk is treating me well.

Shapeless

2008-08-20T19:33:00.001-07:00

this is cool

Street Smarts

2008-08-15T21:02:00.001-07:00

Demetri Martin - If I 1 of 6

2008-08-15T19:07:00.001-07:00

insightful and funny... you should watch all six parts if you've got a spare hour.

ahhh!

2008-08-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

you know what i'm sad about.

the fact that everyone is slowly but surely deleting their blogs. this sucks. seriously.

don't worry though to the 2 of you that actually read my blog... lol... i'm gonna keep on truckin.

i ain't no hollaback girl

2008-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

so today i got to work 45 mins early (lol... i know what you're thinking but i don't feel like explaining so just let it go. lol) and so i was sitting in my car for a min before i went in and one of my coworkers comes out and stands next to my window. now mind you, i don't even know his name. i hardly ever see him. i mean he's really really nice, but i just hardly ever work with him and i really don't know him that well at all. all i know is he wears two cross necklaces like me but his reasoning is "one for the body, one for the soul." now i don't really know what that means entirely, but that's not the point so i'm going to move on. so he comes out and this conversation proceeds:

hey babydoll, what are you doing out here?

oh i just got here a little early i was just chillin in the car.

you're here 45 mins early? i think you got enough time. lol. i'm just getting off. i'm bout to go work over there at milanos, but i think imma go get me something to eat from there first.

cool.

so i see you're still wearing your two crosses. me too.

yep.

so what are you gonna do for 45 mins just sit here?

i dunno... ill prolly go inside and talk to people or something.

alright. cool. well imma go get me something to eat. i'll holla at ya.

lol. "I'll holla at ya." what does that even mean. i've narrowed it down to several possibilities and these are my responses:

1. i don't really know why you're yelling at me? i think it's a little undeserved.
2. you're gonna call me? you don't even have my number...
3. you're gonna come back and eat with me during this little break we've got going on here.

whatever he meant by it... all i got to say is,

i ain't no hollaback girl.

Young Life... the newest conversation starter

2008-07-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

so i was out walking on Front St. with the fam today on our last night in Maui and I was standing by myself waiting for my family to come see something. And I just happened to be wearing my Young Life shirt... so these two teenage boys walk up to me and are like "Excuse me. Do you do young life?" and I was like "Yeah!" and they were like "Cool where are you from?"
"Ohio"
"Oh we're from California and we do Young Life up there but we thought that you might be from Hawaii and do Hawaii Young Life."
"No I'm from Ohio but I do young life up there."
"Awesome, so do you guys go to like woodleaf and stuff too?"
"No, we go to like Rockbridge and Saranac and Lake Champion."
*blank stares*
"Ok cool well we just thought you might do Hawaii Young Life..."

the end.

lol... not really anything too exciting... but i found it encouraging for some reason... maybe because it reminded me that this is not just some small deal... it's happening all over the world... high school kids meeting the Lord and having a great time at the same time.

i like that.

p.s. the pic is one of the sunrise from the top of Mount Haleakula. :)

Music

2008-07-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

So there's so much to say about music that I don't even know what to say. Some of my friends and even I myself sometimes think that music has become an idol in my life. Honestly, it could be true. I mean I find myself longing to go get off of work so that I can go play my guitar or go listen to the newest song I've become obsessed with. But, honestly, I really think that the Lord uses music to speak to me. Not really necessarily directly, but I think that he uses it to open my eyes to things and bring things to my attention. If I had to tell you one thing that I think teaches me the most/what I am doing when I learn the most (listening to a sermon or talking to my closest friends or praying...) I would say that it's listening to music. LOL. That sounds really weird, even to me, but if you know anything about the way that my mind works it makes complete sense. Basically my mind is a huge trip down Memory Lane and each "stop" has multiple connections to other "stops". Basically what I'm saying is when I'm thinking, I start with this memory and something in that will remind me of this, which will remind me of this... etc. And the crazy thing is almost every single song that I listen to is attached to a memory. So when I'm listening to a song, I'll remember this time and I'll start contemplating it and then the next song will come on and I'll start going through another memory. So basically, when I'm listening to music it's a time of reflection. Very often it's a time to see what the Lord has brought me from and to. And that's great.
I had a random moment with two songs yesterday. I was riding in the car and one of the lines in a song hit me and really convicted me so I was repenting to the Lord, and then the very next song filled me with nostalgia for past friendships. Lol. It's crazy how much goes through my head when I'm listening to music.

So at times I wonder, is music an idol? Should I try to give it up or cut down on it? But at the same time it's like I feel like the Lord uses it so much that I don't want to lose that. I dunno... kind of a weird predicament I guess.

I just thought it would be interesting to put all of my thoughts into an organized clump rather than leave them all floating around up there. :)

Volcano Sunrise

2008-07-22T23:16:00.001-07:00

sunrise from the top of a volcano in Maui.

Crazy

2008-07-18T20:21:00.001-07:00

We're going to Hawaii for 10 days. I did'n't want you guys to miss me too much so I left you some fun reminders. See you all soon. :)

The Cave of Doom

2008-07-18T20:13:00.001-07:00

every breath

2008-07-15T16:12:00.001-07:00

IKEA

2008-07-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

So I had my first ever IKEA experience today and what can I say... there are hardly words. First of all I had to go through twice; first to just take everything in... then again an hour later to actually do my shopping. It was crazy. It's like a whole other world. As I was shopping... having the marketing inclined mind that I do... I found myself trying to figure out what exactly it is that IKEA does that can make its customers feel like they are on an adventure more than they are shopping. Because that's exactly what it felt like... I didn't feel like I was shopping. I felt like I was on a scavenger hunt or exploring some foreign land or something. LOL. I really really enjoyed it. I've got to say, I haven't been so impressed with a company since Apple. Overall, I thought it was a great experience and I would definitely recommend it.

On a slightly similar note, being as that I've been furniture shopping for the past week for my new room,and that I am now a waitress, my eyes have been opened to something new. Hanging out with waitresses every day takes a toll on you. Every customer that walks in the door is seen as "old people... crappy tippers." or "young people... no money to tip with." or "middle aged family... jackpot." This is what I'm surrounded with at work and it annoys that crap out of me but I guess it's just something I have to put up with. But anyways... that was just a little bit of background info you guys needed for what I'm about to tell you. So I went into a couple of furniture stores yesterday before I went into work... so I was wearing my waitressing clothes. And I'm this young girl who looks like 16 years old maybe (that's what people tell me all the time) and I'm by myself. I'm telling you, I have never felt so judged in my entire life. LOL. I walked into several stores and not one salesperson came up to me and asked if I needed help. Why? Because they make commission... and I'm a young single waitress who probably doesn't really have any money to spend. Little did they know I had $300 in my pocket ready to go. But seriously, that's a horrible feeling to know that nobody cares enough to help you because you aren't worth enough in he pocketbook. I've never ever thought of my self-value in monetary terms, but for the first time yesterday, I was forced to look at it. I'm not really that concerned about it really, I mean... I'm not gonna go try and get rich so that salespeople will be swarming over me when I walk into a furniture store, but I just think that it's a sad thing.

But from it, I am thanking the Lord for the different experiences he is putting me through and how he's opening my eyes to new things and new perspectives. Had I not recently become a waitress, I would never have thought anything about no one coming up to help me. I just think it's interesting the new perspectives I'm being given, especially through my waitressing job, but really in general.

And that's a wrap.

I woke up crying this morning

2008-07-12T09:47:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had that happen to you... where your dream is so intense and works you up so much that you wake yourself up you're crying so hard. That happened to me for the first time this morning. I'm not talking about when you wake up and then realize what your dream was and then start crying. I'm talking about like bawling your eyes out in your dream until you finally open your eyes and wake up only to find that you can't see anything because you're also bawling in real life. Like waking yourself up because you're crying to hard.

It's a very surreal feeling... a little bit confusing... a little bit solemn... a lot bit weird.

So I guess I'll tell you what I dreamt about... I was trying to get a couple of Edgewood girls together and we were going to go spend the night in a hotel but Cedar Point for the night. (Yes, this sounds very creepy but in my dream it wasn't that big of a deal because we lived like 5 mins from Cedar Point and it just wasn't a big deal that we were gonna have a sleepover at a hotel.) So I'm trying to get ahold of Gina (Edgewood girl) and Brittany (my childhood best friend) and get them to go with me. While I'm waiting for them to ask their parents, I meet my family at the beach by Cedar Point and we're just chillin' for a while. Then this little tiny infant was apparently going down a water slide (which I don't know why because he was like a premature baby) and when he got to the bottom he wasn't breathing and needed to be resuscitated. So I ran over there and did CPR on him but it wasn't working, but then I started talking to him telling him that he needed to spit out the water... lol... and then he came to and was fine. (LOL... that was just something really random that happened in my dream and I don't think that it related to the rest... haha.)

So then, I don't know what happened to the hotel idea, but we were going to stay at my real-life neighbor's house (Valerie and Nicholas'). So I went over there and apparently I had big plans on preaching the gospel that night or something. So Eric and Hali (my bro and sis) and Nicholas (the neighbor boy they play with) and my mom and Gina and my dad were in the basement. So I started to go down to the basement to hang out with them, but Craig (Valerie's husband, Nicholas' dad) was like (from the living room) "Cara, I think you need to come in here and tell us what you think you're doing." So I go in there and I'm like "oh I'm just hanging out with them. You know." and they did not look happy and in my head I knew that they knew that I was there to show the gospel to these people. and I dunno if they're Christians or not but they wanted me to explain to them why I was always hanging out with these people. And so I tried to work up some words to tell them (lol... for those of you who know how great I am with words... it to me like 5 mins in my dream to muster up anything besides um. haha) So I finally start crying in my dream because I'm scared as hell about what I'm about to say... so I'm like shaking and crying and talking in the high pitched crying voice that people use when they are really really crying and I say to them. "It's just so hard to be over here." And they had these looks on their faces and I knew what they were thinking and then they said, "You know you're welcome over here any time you want." And I said, "I know that, but that's not it. It's hard being over here because I know that you guys probably think that I'm a creep because these kids are so much younger than me and I'm so much older than them" (and at this point both of them nod like I spoke the very words on their minds) and I kept talking an said "I just really want them to hear the gospel." (and in my dream I made a sidenote to myself after that statement that said 'so that's what it's like to be bold with your words' lol). So then they were weirded out but they agreed to let me go "preach the gospel" to them but they were going to watch. LOL... So next thing I know me Hali and Eric are upstairs in the living room holding on to this long string of yarn like follow the leader and we were getting ready to go down into the basement to act out some scene from the old testament.So at this point, down in the basement it's Gina Brittany Nicholas and his parents and my parents. So me Eric and Hali start walking down the stairs and start saying our lines when my dad starts screaming at us before we even get to the bottom of the stairs and he pulls us back upstairs and starts yelling at us. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T PREACH THE GOSPEL LIKE THAT! IF YOU'RE GONNA PREACH IT PREACH IT RIGHT YOU GOTTA GET INTO IT AND SAY THIS LIKE THIS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH" and it was like he was mad at us for preaching the gospelbut he was like if you're going to do it at least do it like you mean it. (Now in real life I really don't know if my dad is a Christian or not. He would tell you that he is. Sometimes he says tings that are right on the money and I think that he understands, but at other times he says things and it's exactly the opposite. So I really don't know what his situation is.) But anyways so I start bawling again but we decide to just go do it anyways so we start making our way own the stairs when my dad stops me at the top of the stairs and yells at me again. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY DO YOU CARE IF THOSE PEOPLE DOWN THERE HEAR THIS? YOU DON'T REALLY CARE IF NICHOLAS HEARS THIS WHO DOWN THERE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS ANYWAYS?" and I just started screaming back at him with tears pouring, "MY MOM! MY MOM'S DOWN THERE! MY MOM! MY MOM'S DOWN THERE!" and that was all I could say. and then my dad started mocking me saying "my mom! my om's down there!" in a high pitching mocking voice. and i just grabbed both of his shoulders and started shaking him. "MY. MOM! MY. MOM. IS. DOWN. THERE!" and the mocked me back in the same way and I was just crying and crying and crying and that was when I woke up and there were tears falling down my face and I was doing the stutter breathing thing.

It was really intense and I feel like I've been on the verge of tears all morning. And my family is out of town so I've had the house to myself for the past couple days, but my grandpa came over to use the computer this morning so he was here when I woke up. And I just wanted to talk to someone about my dream because it really shook me up, but this is my atheist grandpa and he could very easily have played the role of my dad in that dream. So I'm just kinda sitting in my room wondering what to do with myself.

So yea. That was one of the most intense dreams of my life.

P.S. if you want to know something really freaky... you know how my gpa was here when I woke up... well i didn't tell him anything about my dream nor have i ever told him about my crazy dream life... but he was like "Cara I got you something... and it's a flower... it is supposed to function like a dream catcher."

Get the freak out!!! no freaking way. way too crazy. that freaked the crap out of me. lol.

Break Through!

2008-07-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

This week was break through week at Caddy's; finally got past standing around listening to everyone talk bad about each other behind each others' backs to having some real conversations with my coworkers about things other than other coworkers or Cadillac Jacks. Things are getting good. :)

Week 4, you're golden.

Entwined

2008-07-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel connected to the universe?
Like you and creation are one in the same,
with the same mind,
which has the same thoughts
and plans?
What do you say when everything is working together,
all the pieces are fitting perfectly,
creating this beautiful moment?
You could see it coming. Have you ever felt
that?

I'll Follow You Into the Dark

2008-07-07T12:56:00.001-07:00

This is dedicated to all of the people who have ever asked me to sing for them. So here you go.

Psalm 51

2008-07-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

it's all good, but this part stuck out...

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard from Once

2008-06-30T10:56:00.001-07:00

i love this. :D
ps. kevin, there's a part in the bloopers that is sooo you! haha.

soft.

2008-06-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

this is a poem i wrote.

soft.
i am
soft.
fragile and broken.
i feel
every word. every
look. i may look
hard-shelled,
but that's exactly it;
it's a shell.
and on the inside
i'm an
ooey
gooey
mess
with feelings.
and i hurt. and i
need to
cry sometimes too. not
everyone understands that
i am.

"OXFORD!!!!!"

2008-06-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's a sad thing when a girl gets out of school for the summer and is so bored out of her mind that she longs to go back to school.

This has been the story of my life; every summer... "When do I get to go back to school?!" This summer has been especially boring. I've hung out with people other than my family 3 days this summer (not counting frisbee in Edge). Count them: One, Two, Three. I can count them all on one hand. Well heck, I could count them on 3/5 of a hand for that matter. That is absolutely pathetic.

What's even more pathetic is how excited I get when I get to go to work. And how when I go to look at my work schedule and I see a day off my stomach sinks and I think to myself, "Dang it. Now I ave to find something to do for a whole day rather than just a half day." It's getting pretty bad.

I'm gonna need some interaction really soon.

This Post Dedicated to Derek (the co... not the turtle)

2008-06-17T11:40:00.001-07:00

Julia Nunes

2008-06-12T21:33:00.001-07:00

I love this girl. I don't really know why. She's got something quirky about her that I like. And now you can like her too.

Lies

2008-06-10T12:49:00.001-07:00

Our culture completely disgusts me. When did we get to the point where we can sing about having sex in a club on the radio? How did we get from showing Elvis' hips on tv being provocative to showing two people having sex on tv and that being completely normal? It's no wonder that the only thing people these days search for is new ways too hook up and look better so that they can hook up. Its no wonder that kids in middle school are getting pregnant now. It's what we grow up with now. And it's sick.

Seriously. I can't watch tv anymore without regretting it. I always walk away from the tv feeling disgusted and dirty. Because we buy into these lies without even realizing it. We buy into the lies that say we have to look a certain way, or dress a certain way, or do certain things, or portray certain characteristics. For example, literally just about everything you see on tv today has to do with relationships. You've got shows like The Bachelor, Tila Tequila, and Blind Date; and then during the commercial breaks you've got commercials for online dating services and cars that you and some "hot chick" will look good in. Even the shampoo commercials highlight relationships... there's almost always a girl waving her silky shiny hair in the beautiful sunshine and this guy is like drooling over her because her hair is so soft and pretty. What the crap!? Seriously, you can't get away from it.

And the sad thing is that most of the time we don't even realize that these are the messages that are being fed to us. Some of it comes on a conscious level, but many times we don't even realize it.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say about this other than it sucks. I'm sick of being told that I should wear makeup to make myself look prettier. (Sorry that I'm content with the way the Lord made me.) I'm sick of being told that I should care about how much I weigh. (Just because I'm skinny does not mean that I'm anorexic or even that I'm self-conscious about my body.) I'm sick of being told that I need a man to be happy. I'm sick of being told that alcohol will make me have more fun. It's all lies and I don't want any part of it. I don't know what to do about it other than just not watch it. But even if you abstain from tv and movies it's everywhere else. It's built into our culture so deep that it seems hopeless to try and do anything about it. I guess just pray is all we can do.

(And when I say "just pray" I mean... we have the POWER OF PRAYER and we can use that and, God willing, it will make a difference.)

Lesson #1

2008-06-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Ask me what I learned this year
and I won't have an answer for you.
Not because I didn't learn anything,
I just don't have words to explain.

I could tell you,
"I learned about Calvinism."

I could tell you,
"I learned Romans 8 and I can recite it to you by heart."

I might even say to you,
"I learned a lot about sanctification vs. self-justification."

But really none of that suffices.
None of that really makes much of a difference;
it's all just wisdom, yes
of the Lord,
but it's not enough.

Ask me what I've learned this year
and I won't have an answer
because I think what really counts
is the time spent in His presence.
Not anything I took out of that time;
just the time itself.
And there are no words for that type of thing.

Madly

2008-06-06T20:15:00.001-07:00

Words from a Non-poet

2008-06-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not a writer
but I want to be.
I want to be able to put my insides down
in front of your eyes,
to tell you what the words I say
actually mean.
I want so much to be connected to
myself enough to be able to
tell you who I am
and how I feel
and what I want.
But I'm not a writer,
and I just don't have the words;
not like some people I know.
I guess my face,
my hands,
my eyes will have to do all the talking.

June the Spoon

2008-06-02T07:19:00.001-07:00

Flower in the Crannied Wall

2008-05-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

Flower in the crannied wall,
I pluck you out of the crannies,
I hold you here, root and all, in my hand,
Little flower- but if I could understand
What you are, root and all, and all in all,
I should know what God and man is.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

you know

2008-05-21T11:42:00.001-07:00

carry on

2008-05-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

it's been a rough year on me. mostly mentally.

i've been in this awkward stage of trying to find the right balance of wanting to fix my sin and knowing that it's hopeless trying to do it on my own.

i feel like i've been really discouraged by myself. i try.. knowing that i will fail... but also knowing that i'm supposed to change.
i long to be with the Lord in His glory and perfection. i get disgusted with myself and get really fatalistic about how i continue to sin everyday.

There are days when all i can say to the Lord is "Sanctify me. and fast please."

I just don't know how i'm supposed to be changing myself when i can't actually change myself... the Lord has to do it. But I have this desire to change... i just don't know how to fulfill it other than to pray for sanctification.

so i get really down on myself about the fact that i'm still sinning and the fact that i'm not able to change it. and then there are days when things not of the Lord enter my mind... things like "Do you really even love the Lord? If you really loved the Lord you would hate this sin and be able to walk away from it in an instant." And then I start to think that maybe I only believe the gospel with my head and not really in my heart. and that scares the crap out of me... And I know these things aren't true, but that doesn't stop me from thinking them.

i listened to a sermon today by Ben Stuart and it was really encouraging. He was talking about how the reason Jesus came was to destroy... to destroy all evil. and then he started talking about Christians and how we continue to sin. And how it can be really easy to get discouraged... but... if you feel an internal struggle going on, if some part of you is telling you that these sins are not what you need or what you truly desire, then that should be your greatest assurance that the Lord has got a hold of you. Because something other than the world is moving in you telling you these things. The Lord is moving in you if there is any type of struggle between worldly desires and the desires of His kingdom.

and...

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion. Phil. 1:6

head and heart

2008-05-18T21:23:00.001-07:00

there are so many times when i know something in my head, but not my heart.
like i know that it's true in my head, but my lifestyle or the way i feel and act doesn't reflect that my heart also believes it.

this scares me a lot. because if i think that i believe something, and my head tells me that i believe it, but my heart doesn't... then how am i supposed to know what i really believe to be true.

but i was just thinking and i realized one thing that i absolutely know... heart and head:
I am my own worst enemy. i feel the weight of that statement everyday.

but maybe knowing this leads to a greater appreciation of the cross? maybe it helps to convince my heart of Grace as well as my head.?

i sure hope so.